Litter This Newspaper

Oh, hey what’s up guys? I just parked my Chevy truck in handicapped parking ‘cause I’m late for class. I also just smoked a bowl so I better have a stog before class to mask the smell. Haha, some little hippie chick just glared at me for throwing the butt on the ground. Whatever man, go save the planet somewhere else. What is it with all this Eco-friendly shit anyways on this campus? It’s not like their efforts are gonna be noticed by the next generation. I’d rather spend my time riding my dirt bike and hitting on chicks.

The other day I was just chillin’, doing donuts on my dirt bike on the CSUMB lawn in main quad when this pussy ass R.A. approached me. He’s all, “excuse me, but you really shouldn’t be doing that” and I was all “WHY” and he was all “you’re destroying the grass and polluting the air that we breathe”. So you know what, I was like “EFF YOU BRO” then I drove off and let the dude win. Then yesterday, when I was doing my morning shot-put throws with garage engines outside the bookstore, some old guy yells at me for littering. Since when was working out littering? And why does it matter to him? It’s not like he has much longer to enjoy his precious planet anyways. So I decided to do some research to prove to this douche that littering isn’t the end of the world.

Aluminum cans, you know, like Rockstars, take 200-500 years to decompose. Plastic jugs, like what you use to make gravity bongs, take 1 million years. Styrofoam containers, like-well I don’t even know what that is- takes over a million years. So if everything decomposes eventually, what’s the big deal? Robots can worry about our trash.

This government site extra.mdc.mo.gov/nomoretrash recommends we use cloth instead of paper napkins. Yeah, but cloth doesn’t work nearly well as balled up napkins to practice beer pong with. The site also says we should “use sealable storage containers rather than plastic wrap”. I guess I’d be cool with that. I also read some shit about recycling and reusing. What is this, elementary school?

Here’s some other bullshit the government's saying on this site: “People who feel the highest personal obligation to not litter are also people who feel a strong sense of identity with their communities…have self-esteem and place special value on a sense of accomplishment, warm relationships…”

Ok, this got me pissed off. I identify with my community in more ways you could imagine. Self-esteem? Mine’s higher than Snoop Dogg on 4/20. I accomplish more than you Eco-freaks do in a day; have you ever bench-pressed a hemi? And warm relationships….I love my mother.

Dan Linehan, a former engineer or whatever, told me this: “There are giant patches of garbage in all the oceans that are full of trash, estimated to be bigger than the size of Texas…”

Cool story, bro. Then don’t swim to the garbage patch.

According to Keepamericabeautiful.org, litter cleanup costs the U.S. almost $11.5 billion per year. Then don’t botha’, Obama! Litter goes into loading docks, recreational areas, construction sites, and retail, bringing property levels down to 7 percent. Meh, as long as it’s not in my hand, I’m good. Also, about 15 percent of littering is affected by the environment. That’s it?? I’d kill for a 15 percent chance to pass Trig.

This site says “Debris may be carried by storm drains into local waterways, with potential for serious environmental contamination.” Ha, I’m more concerned about contamination on my- eh, nevermind.
So I mean, I guess I’m destroying the planet or some shit. But I still don’t really care all that much. My personal life is way more important than the longevity and purity of nature. This eco-friendly hippie crap is just a trend like reality shows and sedans. It’s sure to die out. And I know I’m not anti-establishment: about 85 percent of littering is the result of individual attitudes. Keep up the apathy, America. </Sarcasm>